equipping thoughtfulness

Isn't it strange that when someone else does something, you automatically think to yourself, "Well, should I do that too?"

I find myself constantly comparing myself to others in good and bad ways. It can be quite encouraging and inspirational at times, but can also transport me into a dark hole of self-pity, greed, and jealousy. It's funny, both ways can happen very quickly and very easily. I prefer the first, of course. Here's what gave me this idea in my head today...

Korry and I have been having some really great, deep discussions about our future as individuals, a couple, and a family (and, NO, I'm not pregnant!). Our inevitable move to southern California prompts us to think about how, when, and where things are going to happen and what we can do now to better equip ourselves for that future adventure. So, we have each informally, and maybe even implicitly, set some individual goals for the here and now in this "equipping" stage as we've called it. Ok...here's what made me think...

Part of living with someone means you get the privilege to be an observer of another life. You can choose to be an active element or not on a minute-to-minute basis. When you choose to be inactive (merely an observer), you get a new opportunity to watch and interpret...maybe even make your own predictions. Now, being real...of course...I selfishly thought I would start working on my goals and reach them before Korry. I know...I'm terrible. Here's my logic: I'm an OCD freak who can't sit down for more than 5 minutes and Korry is Mr. CalmAndCollectedNeverInARush. So, can you see why I thought I would finish first? Anyway, I WAS (and am) WRONG!

Instead, I have witnessed discipline, determination, and thoughtfulness in his approach towards his goals. I see traces of goal-reaching every day: open bibles on the coffee table, routine trips to the gym, and rejuvenation fishing trips to the lake. So, back to my point of this whole thing...it makes me think and compare. What am I doing? Should I be doing what he is doing?

I have discipline and determination (it most commonly appears in the glamorous form of OCD). The component that is so embedded in Korry that he couldn't ignore it if his live depended on it is thoughtfulness. Am I being thoughtful in my goal-reaching, in my daily choices, in my everyday actions? Maybe thoughtfulness is part of my "equipping" right now...the hardest part of equipping though is that I have to do it. Getting equipped for something doesn't happen on its own, I have to be pro-active...I have to want and work at it...I have to wrestle with it...I have to make it part of who I really am.

a REALization

So, I realized something today...

Sometimes, I fight with the ones I love to be reassured that they love me enough to fight back.

Isn't that totally crazy?!!! I feel crazy thinking that, let alone writing it. It's true though...sometimes I can't wait for Korry to get home so I can tell him how much I've missed him that day, but something happens when he gets home. It's like I'd rather have him fight with me so that I can see his passion and love for me, even if it comes packaged in anger. I want to see if he'll chase after me when I walk away from a fight. I want to hear him asking what he can do to help or fix things. I know...my actions drip with self-centeredness. But, again, I'm being as real as possible. It reminds me of teenagers crying out for attention doing anything to get it. I guess I've always believed that people don't fight for things they don't care about, so I assume the opposite is true: people fight for what they DO care about. I remember my mom telling me when I was a teenager, "If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't waste my time fighting with you. I'm fighting with you because I care SO MUCH!". And here my mom's words come to life 15 years later.

The truth is...I think it takes much more awareness on my part to feel loved, needed, and cared about. Those who love me show it in so many more ways than what I am willing to recognize on most days. An example: Today, Korry and I were in the car together for a while and he was making me laugh over and over again. Then I started to think about how he does this to me all the time. Why does he do this? What does he get out of it? Is this fun for him? And then I realized what he was doing...he was loving on me! He LOVES to see me smile and I think he'd try almost anything to make that happen. That's the love I need to start recognizing more...

coming home

So, Korry has been gone at a conference all week. And, as I promised, I am going to be as real as possible in everything I tell you. Most of the daytime hours while he was gone, I was soaking up the alone-time. I needed it. Life has been so busy for as long as I can remember, that this quiet house, open schedule, and worry-only-about-me lifestyle was long overdue. Don't get me wrong, I missed him, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy this week alone. I admit, I didn't sleep well at all, heard strange noises at night, and was convinced ninjas were hiding in every dark space in the house waiting for me to fall asleep. But somehow, when the sun was up...I was more relaxed than I have been in a long time! Here's what I get from all this...

• Sometimes I need to ASK for exactly what I need...maybe some alone-time.
• It is OK to be still and quiet and actually DO NOTHING.
• It can be quite liberating to NOT HAVE A PLAN.
• Family is the GREATEST GIFT FROM GOD.

Here I am with these great insights from my unplanned week about to jump right in to another semester of grad school. My summer classes start next week. Those of you who know me well know that I am excited to get a new notebook, new syllabi and a new routine, but...surprisingly...I actually would rather be quiet some more instead. "Quiet" is not a usual thing for me. The trick is BALANCE, right? Getting stuff done but not becoming consumed by it. Not getting so used to being "busy" that we start to believe that that is what life is. Anyway, it's worth a shot.

starting up...

So, this is a little bizarre actually. Shortly after I got married, my dad sat Korry (my husband) and I down for a "talk". You know that is always dangerous. He had the most powerful advice I have ever received, "Always be real...no matter what." That was it. Seems so simple and actually kindof common-sensical, but the reality is...it is the hardest thing to do sometimes.

Another "real" moment for me was hearing some close friends talk about a woman they knew. I always find it very interesting to hear what people say about other people when they are not around...especially when it is positive. Usually when negative things are said about the absent, it is not worth listening to. When positive things are mentioned, however, they are usually unexpected, unobliged, and unveiling. Anyway, all they kept saying about this woman was that she was the "real deal". That was the best thing they could say to describe her as they sighed with admiration and exhaustion from searching for better descriptors for her. Later I met this woman...and they were right. She proved to me, for the first time, that a person can be real...and survive.

You are most welcome to join me in attempts, failures, victories, and most importantly, yearning ... to be real.